Stasis Pod From Hell
by Capt. Emerald
Summary: Lister and Rimmer find a stasis pod on a ship which turns out to be very good news for Rimmsy! This story includes an appearance from Ace and the return of the hologram version of Rimmer. I apologies for the format for I cannot fix it.


STASIS POD FROM HELL  
  
3 MILLION YEARS AWAY FROM EARTH THE MINING SHIP RED DWARF WAS BEING EATEN AWAY BY A CHAMELEONIC MICROBE. AFTER LEARING ABOUT THIS EVERYONE ON THE SHIP LEFT ON BLUE MIDGETS AND STARBUGS EXCEPT FOR THE PRISIONERS IN THE BRIG. HOPING TO STOP THE VIRUS KRYTEN BUILT A MACHINE THAT ALLOWED THE DWARFERS TO ENTER THE MIRROR UNIVERSE. NOT TO LONG LATER RIMMER RETURNED TO THE MACHINE HAD BEEN EATEN BY THE VIRUS. SOON RIMMER WAS VISITED BY DEATH WHOM HE GAVE A HARD KICK IN THE GROIN, HE RAN OFF AFTERWARDS. WHILE IN THE MIRROR UNIVERSE KRYTEN BUILT YET ANOTHER MACHINE THAT ALLOWED THE OTHERS TO RETURN TO THE NORMAL UNIVERSE. WHEN THEY RETURNED THEY MADE AN ANTIDOTE AND STOPPED THE VIRUS. THEY LATER FOUND RIMMER UNDER A SCANNER TABLE IN THE DRIVE ROOM. AND NOW THE SMEG CONTINUES.  
  
Opening Theme  
  
TWO MONTHS LATER  
  
1-Drive Room-Day Everyone is present except for RIMMER and LISTER who soon walk in. RIMMER is limping and LISTER is trying to hold back laughter. RIMMER: That was not funny in any way Lister, not funny at all. LISTER: (laughing) Yes it was. It was hysterical. Especially when you ran screaming from the room and tripped down that flight of stairs. RIMMER: It's not funny when you hold a megaphone up to your rear end and fart into it to wake me up causing me to almost have a heart attack and break my leg, you ugly git. LISTER: Smeghead. KOCHANSKI: Will you two grow up already and stop arguing! LISTER and RIMMER sit down on opposite sides of the room. LISTER sticks his tongue out and RIMMER glares at him. KOCHANSKI: We've found an alien vessel. We've scanned the ship and there only seems to be one life form aboard. We need to send two people over to investigate, so any volunteers? KOCHANSKI looks around the room and no one puts their hand up or says anything. LISTER and RIMMER are still making faces at each other. KOCHANSKI: Okay. Looks like Rimmer and Lister are going. Both stop and look at her. BOTH: What?! With him?! No way! KOCHANSKI gives them a cold look and a worried expression appears on their faces. 2-CGI Model Shot Starbug speeds through space and then suddenly lurches to a stop making a horrible noise and then continues on. RIMMER and LISTER's voices are heard as they speed on. LISTER'S VOICE: It's gotta be the gearbox. It's not me, man. RIMMER'S VOICE: (mimics LISTER) "It's gotta be the gearbox." It's the gearbox my butt, Lister. LISTER'S VOICE: Shut up Rimmer. The 'Bug approaches the ship. It flies into the docking bay and collides with the top door. Their conversation continues whilst they land. RIMMER'S VOICE: Nice one, Listy. I should trust you to fly when I go suicidal. You drive like a drunken baboon, laddie. LISTER'S VOICE: That's rich, man. Coming from a person who ran off and hid in the broom closet and was dragged kicking and screaming to the ship. RIMMER'S VOICE: I did not. If you must know I simply took evasive maneuvers and tried to beat you all off of me. LISTER'S VOICE: Yeah, like a schoolgirl. Now shut up. RIMMER'S VOICE: You're a smegging liar. LISTER'S VOICE: Just shut up. 3-Corridors of the alien craft-Day RIMMER: Alright. You take the left and I'll take the right. Meet back at the 'Bug in one hour. And remember if you see any thing yell really loud. LISTER: Why don't we just use the communicators? RIMMER: Because we don't have any that's why, baboon brains. LISTER: Smeg-face. RIMMER begins to walk off but LISTER gives him a flat tire. LISTER laughs and RIMMER gives him a two-fingered salute and then they both go their ways. 4-Large Dark Room-Day RIMMER walks in with a torch and shines it around the room just then he sees something and a shocked expression comes on his face. RIMMER: Lister! Lister! LISTER enters shortly after and sees the thing too. LISTER: What the smeg? The view changes to show a metallic pod with the words "Stasis Pod #0012" written on it and small keyboard below the writing. A small window on the front shows a woman with an angry look frozen on her face. RIMMER and LISTER walk up to the pod. RIMMER: What's a stasis pod? LISTER: What do you think it is? It's a pod that has someone or something in stasis. LISTER gets closer and presses some of the keys. RIMMER: What are you doing? LISTER: I'm gonna open it. RIMMER: Open it? Are you mad?! What if the person inside has some kind of mutated virus and we all die from it in a matter of moments or the person is some psychopath and bludgeons us to death? LISTER: So? I'm gonna open it any ways. LISTER presses a few keys and RIMMER steps closer to inspect what he's doing. Soon the top comes off the pod and the woman falls into RIMMER's arms. She looks at him and passes out. LISTER: Look at that she passed out the moment she saw you. That's not really much of a surprise. So what should we do now? RIMMER: We're going to take her back with us. Now come on. He picks the woman up LISTER walks over to help but he turns around and walks out the door. 5-Red Dwarf Docking Bay-Day RIMMER emerges from the 'Bug still carrying the woman and then runs off. LISTER looks on with confusion. 6-Medical Bay-Night RIMMER is sitting next to the bed staring at the woman. LISTER and KRYTEN are sitting across the room having a conversation. LISTER: I've never seen him like this before. KRYTEN: Like what, sir? LISTER: Looking at a woman that way. KRYTEN: What do you mean by 'that way'? LISTER: Well usually he looks at women with that so called 'mesma-stare'. But this is way different. KRYTEN: I have also noticed that. Is he frozen in time? LISTER: It's love, Krytie. You can totally tell. He's totally flipped out man. KRYTEN: What should we do, sir? LISTER: We should leave him alone. Come on. KRYTEN and LISTER get up. LISTER leaves but KRYTEN stops when RIMMER taps him. KRYTEN: What is it, sir? RIMMER: (sounds worried) Kryten, by any chance do you know when she'll be up? KRYTEN: I don't know. I'm sorry, sir. RIMMER: Thanks. RIMMER returns his attention to the woman. KRYTEN leaves. 7-CGI Model Shot The Red Dwarf makes its way through space. 8-Sleeping Quarters-Night LISTER is sleeping soundly on the top bunk. RIMMER is lying wide-awake. He gets up paces about. RIMMER: Lights. The lights turn on and he faces LISTER. RIMMER: Lister! LISTER: What?! LISTER darts up and smacks his head on the top of the bunk; he then put his hand on his head. RIMMER: Lister, I have a question for you. Now this may sound strange but please give me an honest answer. LISTER: No problem, man. RIMMER: Lately, Lister I can't stop thinking about that woman. Every time I close my eyes I see her looking at me. I don't what to do. Should I go see her or leave her alone? LISTER: I think you should go with what your heart seem best. After all that's what you do when you're in love. Now let me sleep. He then buries his head under the pillow and goes to sleep. RIMMER: I should go see her. He then walks over to his locker and starts taking out his uniform. 9-Medical Bay-Night RIMMER walks in straightening his tie and thinking about what LISTER said. RIMMER: In love? Absolutely preposterous. He looks up and finds the bed empty and runs over. Suddenly there is a clanking noise in the shadows. He walks over to investigate. RIMMER: Hello? Is anyone there? Then a gun comes out of the shadows and points a RIMMER's head. A woman's voice is heard. WOMAN: Alright laddie, you are going to tell me everything I want to know when I ask you got it, you rancid gimp!  
  
RIMMER: Yes. WOMAN: Now sit down! (*Just a small note. The woman is a Scot not an American.) RIMMER sits down in the nearest chair still at gunpoint. The woman comes from the shadows wiping a pair of glasses on her shirt. She puts the glasses on and looks at RIMMER she look surprised. She then drops the gun and jumps on top of him. WOMAN: Ace! The woman then snogs RIMMER. He quickly pushes her off. RIMMER: What are you doing?!  
  
WOMAN: What do you mean by that? You wouldn't forget your girl Kara McGellen would you, Ace? MCGELLEN starts un-buttoning his shirt RIMMER pushes her off once more. RIMMER: Who the hell is Ace? And what the hell are you doing? MCGELLEN: Oh! You want me to call you by your real name. Fine Rimmer let get busy! She attempts to jump on him once more, but he moves out of the way and trips into the hallway. RIMMER: Holly! Get Lister down here now! HOLLY'S VOICE: Yes Arnold. 10-Sleeping Quarters-Night HOLLY's face appears on the mirror. HOLLY: Better wake him up. Then loud trumpet noises fill the room. LISTER falls out of bed onto the floor. LISTER: Off! HOLLY: Glad you're up, Dave. You need to report to the medi-bay it's an emergency. LISTER: What kind of an emergency? HOLLY: I'm not sure but by the looks of it Arnold is in real trouble or he's just gotten really lucky. If you don't head down there I'll play the trumpet again. LISTER: Fine. I'll go. 11-Medical Bay-Night RIMMER is on the floor struggling to get MCGELLEN off of him. LISTER then comes running in and sees the situation. RIMMER notices him. RIMMER: Lister, help me! She's trying to rape me!  
  
LISTER: Sheesh Rimmer, I thought you would usually take full advantage of this situation to make love with a woman who has leapt on top of you. All right I'll help. LISTER runs over and tackles MCGELLEN off. RIMMER gets up and starts to re- button his shirt. MCGELLEN pushes LISTER off and sits down in a chair. MCGELLEN: (to LISTER) Bastard. LISTER: Now what's going on here? RIMMER: This woman had me at gunpoint and forced me to sit down. Then she put on her glasses, leapt on me, and started calling me Ace. MCGELLEN: Well you are aren't you? RIMMER: No! I don't even--- LISTER: (interrupting RIMMER) Wait a second! Ace? How do you know Ace? RIMMER: Excuse me! I'm in the middle of something here! MEGELLEN: (ignoring RIMMER) Yea. I new Ace (walks over to RIMMER and slaps his butt) personally. RIMMER: Stop doing that! (He then stands on the other side of the room.) LISTER: So you really know him? MCGELLEN: I probably know just as much about him than you do, maybe even more. LISTER: So you would know all his secrets? Even that he isn't (remembers RIMMER is there) really him? MCGELLEN: Yea. Hey by any chance are you Dave Lister? LISTER: Yea. Why? MCGELLEN: (shakes LISTER'S hand) Well I'm pleased to meet you, Skipper! LISTER: You what? Why'd you call me that? MCGELLEN: Call? Ace referred to you by that. Is it all right if I call you that? LISTER: You must really know him if you knew that. I bet you could probably find him. MCGELLEN: Oh smeg! That reminds me that I gotta find him! Thanks Lister! She starts to leave but stops and darts around. MCGELLEN: Erm, where's your Drive Room? LISTER: Floor 9. MCGELLEN: Thanks mate. Oh yeah, Ace said I should give this to you if you don't believe me or something like that. She tosses a photograph and LISTER catches it. She leaves. RIMMER: I'm following her to make sure she doesn't blow up the ship or something. (He leaves) LISTER: What the? A picture is shown. It shows MCGELLEN kissing ACE on the cheek, his arm is off to the side showing that he is holding the camera; a large smile is on his face. 12-Drive Room-Night KRYTEN is vacuuming with his groinal attachment. MCGELLEN rushes in and sees him. She sneaks by and sits at a nearby monitor. KRYTEN turns around and sees her then stops working. KRYTEN: How was you're sleep ma'am. MCGELLEN: It was great. Oh you must be Kryten, pleased to meet ya. MCGELLEN shakes his hand and then notices his groinal attachment. MCGELLEN: That's a nice groinal attachment. Best I've ever seen. KRYTEN: Thank you ma'am. (He then returns to working and leaves.) MCGELLEN: Yeah, whatever. Now where is it? MCGELLEN searches her pockets. She pulls out a watch, lighter, pack of cigarettes, and a CD. MCGELLEN: Yes! Let's do this already. Don't worry Ace I'll be back in no time. MCGELLEN puts the CD in. LISTER enters followed by RIMMER, who goes to the other side of the room. LISTER: What are you doin'? (He sits next to her) MCGELLEN: I'm running a tracking program me and Ace made. With this I could find him instantly no matter where he is. Here I'll show ya. MCGELLEN types in a few things and a screen pop up. It then shows a box that splits into many layers and some words come on to the screen. CURRENT LOCATION: SEARCHING Lister: (points at screen) What's that dot? MCGELLEN: That's us. Soon another dot shows up about halfway across the same layer as the ship. MCGELLEN: And that's Ace. Let's see, now we send the signal. MCGELLEN types in some more things and a small line goes from the Red Dwarf dot to the Wildfire's dot. MCGELLEN: Good, we're in. Now send a message. (She types in few more things and speaks to the screen.) Ace? Are you there? Hello? Can you here me? Suddenly the screen shows the inside of a ship and then ACE appears on the screen. ACE: Is that you Kara? MCGELLEN: Ace! Yes it's me! RIMMER walks over and looks at the screen, a look of disgust comes on his face and he turns around. ACE: Where are you? MCGELLEN: You wouldn't believe this but I'm on the Red Dwarf! ACE: How far are you away? I'm coming to get you, wait there. MCGELLEN: I'm sending the information right now. I'll see you later. ACE: Hold on. Can I speak to Skipper for just a moment? MCGELLEN: Sure. (Motions LISTER over) Here he is. ACE: Hey, long time no see. LISTER: Yeah. How's it going? ACE: Pretty good. (Suddenly the picture gets hazy for a moment then fades back to normal.) Um. Hey could we talk when I get there? LISTER: Sure. ACE: All right. Stoke me a clipper, I'll be back for breakfast. (The screen goes black. MCGELLEN seems to melt at hearing those words. RIMMER shakes his head.) RIMMER: What a total gimp. He looks like some sort of jazzed up rock star gone totally wrong. It's disgusting. MCGELLEN quickly darts over to RIMMER and points her gun at his groin. RIMMER: *squeaks* MCGELLEN: Wanna say that again you stuck up smeghead cos I will blast you're balls all over the side of this wall, go that?! (She pushes the gun in.) RIMMER: Yes. MCGELLEN: Good. (She removes the gun and puts it in the holster. She then opens the pack of cigarettes and finds it empty.) By any chance does anyone have a spare cigarette? I'm out. LISTER: I do, here. (He throws a cigarette at her, she catches it and lights it.) MCGELLEN: Thanks. (She leaves.) RIMMER walks over to LISTER who is looking at the photo. RIMMER: Who is this Ace anyways? LISTER: He's you from another dimension. He's the complete opposite of you. RIMMER: He's a complete git. LISTER: Now come on, man. Ace won't be here til' morning so why don't you get some sleep. (He exits forgetting to take the photo with him. RIMMER picks it up and looks at it.) RIMMER: I wouldn't blame him for falling in love with that girl. (He then puts the photo in his pocket and leaves.) 13-CGI Model Shot The Red Dwarf floats through space. We see the Wildfire fly towards it. 14-Docking Bay-Day The Dwarfers stand by the Wildfire. A door opens on the ship and ACE comes out wearing his helmet, he takes it off and greets the crew. ACE: Hey fellas. How are those kippers doing? MCGELLEN: Ace! (She runs over and hugs him.) ACE: (to MCGELLEN) Well I'm glad to see you we're in good hands. (To LISTER) Ehh, Skipper? LISTER: Yeah. ACE: (to MCGELLEN) Kara, why don't you go and get some breakfast going with everyone while I talk to Skipper here. MCGELLEN: Sure, no problem. Come on guys let's leave 'em be. 15-Sleeping Quarters-Day ACE is sitting at the table but he isn't wearing his normal clothes. He has turned back into HOLOGRAM RIMMER and is wearing his hard-light type uniform. LISTER is pacing around the room in frustration. LISTER: What do you mean you don't wanna do it anymore? HOLO-RIMMER: I don't want to be Ace anymore. It's getting boring. I've had enough of it! LISTER: Well what are we gonna do then? How are we gonna replace Ace? HOLO-RIMMER: Send that other me. I'm sure he'll handle just fine. LISTER: I don't know about that. And how are we gonna tell everyone that you didn't die? HOLO-RIMMER: Just tell them I didn't and try to get that other Rimmer to replace me. I'll even talk him into it. LISTER: Fine. But it's not gonna be easy. 16-Drive Room-Day The crew is all sitting down as LISTER explains the current situation. Then they all bolt up. ALL: What?! LISTER: Yeah. It's true, let me prove it. Yo! Rimmer come on out now. HOLO-RIMMER enters everyone looks at him shocked. KRYTEN: Why didn't you tell us sir? LISTER: Cos I thought you wouldn't believe me. CAT: We would of believed you buddy. Wouldn't we? OTHERS: Yeah. Suddenly a loud alarm goes off and HOLLY appears in the monitor. HOLLY: Emergency! Emergency! Simulant ship approaching. Emergency! ALL: What?! Then the ship hurls to the side. Apparently they're being shot at. A simulant appears on the monitor. SIMUALNT: Prepare to die scum, AH HA HA HA HA! (Fades out.) LISTER: Smeg! 17-Docking Bay-Day RIMMER ruins in and head towards the Wildfire and begins to climb inside. HOLO-RIMMER runs in after and notices RIMMER going into the ship. HOLO-RIMMER: Well that wasn't so hard. The Wildfire's engines start up and it flies out of the Red Dwarf. It careens out of control towards the Simulant ship and then disappears in a flash. The Simulant ship flies backwards in reaction and crashes into a nearby asteroid and explodes in to pieces. 18-Drive Room-Day The Dwarfers are looking at the monitor in shock of what just happened. LISTER: What the smeg was that?! HOLO-RIMMER enters; he is tired out from the long run to the Drive Room. HOLO-RIMMER: That was the Wildfire. The smart bastard dimension jumped before he collided with the other ship. (He sits on a chair. MEGELLEN rushes over to him.) LISTER: I wonder if he's all right. HOLO-RIMMER: Of course he'll be fine he's me. LISTER: Yeah, that's really assuring. MCGELLEN: What do you mean by that? (She points her gun at LISTER.) LISTER: Erm, nothing. MCGELLEN: Good. (She puts the gun away and looks at RIMMER.) I guess I'll be calling you Rimmer from now on. HOLO-RIMMER: Yep. FAMILIAR VOICE: Hey fellas!  
  
Suddenly RIMMER appears on the screen he is now ACE. ACE: Well it looks like I'm off. LISTER: See ya around. ACE: Smoke me a kipper, I'll be back for breakfast. (Fades out. We see RIMMER in the back doing a one-fingered salute and then return his attention to MCGELLEN.)  
  
RIMMER: So? What do you say we make up for all that lost time or what? MCGELLEN: Let's. (They start snogging each other. RIMMER picks her up and they leave.) LISTER: Look how lucky he gets. He has a triumphant return and gets the girl. KOCHANSKI: I see it as a kind of reward; after all he's probably been through. Cause now he'll be busy with her instead of bothering us. LISTER: Erm, by any chance since they are I wanted to know if- KOCHANSKI: No! The answer will always be no! (She storms our. LISTER follows her.) 19-CGI Model Shot Red Dwarf goes on. You can hear LISTER still trying with KOCHANSKI. LISTER: Please? KOCHANSKI: Lister, if you don't stop I'm going to kick you in the balls so hard you'll be talking funny for a week. LISTER: Just once? We then hear this horrible crunching noise and LISTER scream and fall to the floor.  
  
ENDING CREDITS. 


End file.
